wedding bells

on july 20 i got to come back to attend my good friend meg's wedding. it was so fun! meg and colt are so great together. they both are really happy to finally have married. i'm so happy for them. here are some pictures from the eventful day :) meg was such a beautiful bride!

i am enough.

i feel like i've been fooled. please anyone tell me--at what point in my life am i going to know exactly what road i am supposed to travel? i have been tricked into believing that as one became more educated, it would be easier to make decisions. I was a thorough believer in pro's and con's lists...but it turns out, they don't make any sense. they are filled with your own opinions about the situation--a situation, mind you, that you probably already are leaning more towards one side than the other long before the pen every hits the paper. more so, i've recently learned that i've been tricked into believing that you can count on others. contrary to that notion, i have learned that you cannnot count on anyone else but yourself 100%. even family isn't always that dependable...although i do have alot better luck with my family than some. i feel like i am two people stuck in one body. a jekyll & hyde syndrome of sorts. i supposed i cause myself the most grief because what i want--my "ideal" life--is always changing. what i want today usually contradicts what i though i wanted yesterday--who even knows what tomorrow will bring!?! i want to get married and build a life with someone i love but i don't feel that marriage is needed to have a fulfulling relationship. i want to have my own child(ren) but i do not want anything to do with the literal pregnancy/labor/birth part of starting a family. i want to have a family but do not necessarily think that means having children--why can't two people build a family with just each other? my defintion of family is more love than it is # of coats in the closet. if i am still single by the time i wnat to begin a family, i would not think twice about going about it alone...except, then i remember how judgmental society frowns upon that and i get scared. i want to adopt children that need a good home rather than bring more into such an unforgiving world but i don't want to regret not having experienced having a child of my own. i want to feel loved but don't think i need love from anyone else to validate my existence. i want to hear that the person i love thinks that i am beautiful but i know that the way i feel about myself IS and SHOULD BE ENOUGH. i want to lose weight because, unfortunately, people will take me more seriously but i have this strangely-high self esteem that reminds me everyday that i am beautiful just the way i am. you see, everyday there is a constant struggle for me to take one step in the right direction. i guess i hide it pretty well considering the daily duel is in my head. i supposed i should consider myself lucky. if everyone knew i felt like this each moment of everyday, they'd probably have me committed. ... ... now i've lost my train of thought. that always seems to happen, too. talking in circles is definitely one of my specialties.

considering my brain is tired, i'm signing off.
i'll be sure to bring more angst and poor writing soon enough.

who i am is quite enough

I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

entering a new phase

so, yesterday i found out that i got a job i had applied for at a photography studio in portland. i am really excited. not only am i excited to have gotten the first job i applied for, but i am also excited to just HAVE A JOB. it's been a nice few weeks hanging out in between graduating and getting a job, but now i feel that i need to get my life back into a routine. i'm nothing less than thrilled to get to start out at a photography studio. it seems like a promising position but only time will tell.

i'll be heading back to corvallis/clackamas in about a week. my new job starts somewhere around august first. yay. it should be interesting :)

now i'm gonna go take a dip in the pool. later!

i see skies of blue

red roses too.

i see them bloom

for me and you

...and i think to myself,

what a wonderful world.

top photo: kevin and i in bandon, oregon
2nd from top: kevin and i being goofy in grants pass, oregon
middle photo: kevin and i riding the sacramento "max" train
2nd to bottom: kevin and i in old town sacramento
bottom photo: kevin and i at Blondie's, a cute dive bar in grants pass, oregon

"i want to be a maggie bride"

maggie sottero, that is. if you've never heard of her or seen her wedding dress designs, check it out at maggiesottero.com. here's a few pics of dresses i really really love...

something old, new, borrowed, blue?

talked alot about weddings today. some days i am very "i don't need a wedding to be happy" and other days (like today) weddings/getting married is all i can talk or think about. kevin's mom karen and karen's daughter-in-law Jessica were asking me questions about future plans. it got me thinkin about the whole "something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue" tradition.

my something old:
right now all i can think of is my diamond that was given to me by my mother from her original wedding ring. probably have an old hankie or something, too.

my something new:
obviously, the dress. in addition, i hope it to be a pearl necklace. i know i am going to be a very classic, traditional bride. i feel that a pearl necklace, hopefully from my father, is very fitting for my style and the way i picture myself on my wedding day. (or, if the dress is not fitting for a necklace, perhaps subtle dangling pearl earrings)

my something borrowed:
although i don't have the dress yet, i do plan to borrow my veil. i have one friend and one family member whose veil i could borrow. not because i don't want to buy my own, but because there's a connection there. i think it's special.

my something blue:
probably blue in my lingerie or garter. who knows? that's a tough one. i guess, considering i'm not even engaged yet, i still have time to think about it :)