i want to start over

I just really can’t seem to catch a break. Just warning you that this is gonna be a whiny, bitchy, poor me, my life couldn’t get any worse, woe is me post. You may want to get out now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

--why the hell can’t I figure out this camera stuff? It shouldn’t be this hard. I should be able to work on my digital camera stuff because that’s what I want to do in the future. Why should I have to learn old techniques that won’t be used in this generation? I want to learn what I want to learn.

--I keep getting sick. It’s not fair. I have so much stuff that I need to do and I can’t because I’m sick. Now I’m stuck here choking down all this water…and for what?

--kevin is really struggling in school. I feel so bad for him. There’s nothing I can do to help him and that’s what hurts the most. It’s not fair that he is having such a hard time and getting so down on himself. He’s so smart and yet, he can’t seem to realize that. I really hope he can pull through this in one piece.

--why is mom’s weekend always at the worst possible weekend? Don’t get me wrong…I have so much fun when my mom comes down. I just have so much going on this weekend and next week, it’d be nice to have it another weekend. Karen, Stephanie, Kevin, Lindsi, Sophia, Amy, and my mom are all coming down. Great…now they all get to see my shitty apartment. Yay.

--I wish I was engaged.

--I want to adopt children but I’m afraid that people will think that I’m not doing my womanly duty of carrying a child. It’s so not fair. What about all the children that aren’t wanted? Why should they have to suffer just because society thinks it’s my duty to carry my own children? What to do, what to do.

--I’m afraid Kevin and I are going to move to Vegas then he’s going to like it and force me to stay there for longer than I want to. There are not opportunities that I desire there. I am just going to be by his side, to make sure he’s okay. I feel like he doesn’t want to grow up, he doesn’t want the responsibilities of an adult and as a result of that, he is running back home to his mommy.

--I hate Verizon. Is it really hard for them to honor their customers? Every phone I’ve gotten from them has broken thus far. I just want to get a phone that works. I feel so out of the loop without one.

--I’m trying to lose weight, right? It’s just so hard. How did I let it get this far? Why can’t I just have some self control? Or god-forbid, make some smart decisions. It’s not fair that I like food so much. And it’s even more not fair that I was given these genes without my permission.

--I want to start over.

stuff to keep in mind...

eringracephotography.com
kruger farm on sauvie island
camp colton in colton, oregon

pro-divorce

yet another "response" post to the one prior.

one thing most people don't know about me is that i am pro-divorce. i have no problem with people that get divorced. there are so many reasons people think divorce is bad...

-God will be mad at you
-you made a commitment to that person
-the bible and/or God is against divorce
-you should try to work it out for your own sake
-you should try to work it out for your children's sake

that's all stupid. you know what, everybody makes mistakes. they make mistakes, they are forgiven, and they move on. what happens if your wedding was a mistake? why can't you get out of it, be forgiven and move on? are you really expected to just live with that person, even if you hate each other, for the rest of your life just because you're afraid of the D-word? or what people will think of you? or because you'll be another statistic? i say GET OVER IT. if kevin and i ever got to a place in our marriage that we were no longer in love with each other, i would not hesitate getting a divorce. life is too short to not be happy. even though you made a commitment to that person, you first and foremost should have a commitment to yourself--that you will do what you need to do to be happy, to be loved, to love someone else, to take care of yourself, to survive. and that other person should be in full support of your happiness, whatever price that may be to them. if you don't agree, i don't care. i'm in full support of everyone living their lives according to their own rules. no strings attached.

why marry?

my last post just got me thinking. why do people get married? apart from any religious affiliations to the constitution of marriage, why do people want to get married? kevin asked me that question once and, to be honest, i couldn't come up with a very good answer. i said the whole spiel about wanting him for the rest of my life, being in love with him and all that jazz. but i couldn't figure out why i really wanted to get married...

of course, every girl wants to wear the white dress. every girl wants to see that man they are walking towards at the altar that only has eyes for you. every girl wants to feel like she is good enough for somebody else, so good that marriage is the only want to bind them together. but that's the problem. why am i not good enough just for myself? why does a man have to be my validation in this world? why does a little piece of paper hanging on the wall make my relationship any more justified or strong than it already is? i don't think i need a piece of paper to continue my relationship. how is that paper supposed to keep kevin and i together? and why would it keep us from getting a divorce? marriage is not a trap to keep someone with you. it's highly unlikely that we would avoid a divorce solely because of the paper on the wall. when it comes down to it, it's not about the paper. it's not about the rings. it's not about the dress. it's about our commitment to each other. it's about a trust in each other and our intentions. he loves me and i love him. no paper is needed to know that. i don't need the world's validation. i don't need to stand in front of a zillion people to be given the "okay" to do all the things i want to do in this life. i belong to me. i don't belong to anybody else. my heart is my possession.

why do people think that just because kevin and i aren't married, our relationship isn't real? i feel more for him than anyone else in the world. it's not like the day of our wedding, we are suddenly really going to be in love...we already are. it's kind of like the idea of sex and virginity. every virgin thinks their life is going to be dramatically different once they have sex, like right after it happens they are just going to become who they really are supposed to be. like they've been waiting forever and then enlightenment is finally going to happen after the sex does. it's not like that. sex doesn't change you. marriage doesn't change you. you change yourself.

i could live with kevin for the rest of my life and never marry him. i could have kids with him. i could build a life with him. i could have a lasting commitment to him. why does a party and a white dress suddenly make all those things change from "unacceptable in society" (ie. having babies out of wedlock, shacking up, etc) to "acceptable"? it's like drinking. when i turned 21, i didn't feel any different than i was when i was 20 but yet, i could finally drink. i remember thinking "i don't feel any different". it wasn't that big of a deal. i just think people feel that marriage is going to change them, that it's going to finally validate their existence in society and they are finally going to BELONG to somebody else. i know that kevin and i don't need a paper signed from the state of Oregon to keep our relationship. the rings are just materialistic symbols. the vows are repeated and not even a original thought. the dress is beautiful but, at the end of the day, it's just a dress. i just want him. the wedding is just the icing on the cake.

did i fail?

my seventeen year old dreams knew that i was going to be married by 21 and have my first child at 22. now here i am at 23, not married (not even engaged), and thankfully without a child. so i'm wondering--did i fail? or did growth and maturity help me to realize that i wanted more out of life? i've been sitting around watching all these girls drop out of college or just decide not to go all together so they can wait around to find a husband. they just desire to find a husband, have his babies, and stay at home forever. i couldn't do that. don't you have dreams of your own? don't you want to feel like you accomplished something in life more than just a high school diploma? what if, god forbid, your husband dies? how are you going to support yourself? and your kids? yes, it's true that i do want to marry kevin and have his babies. and, the lord willing, i would love to be financially stable enough to have nice things and be able to stay at home with my children. but i don't want that forever. i want to feel like i didn't waste my opportunities and my talents. i want to be educated and respected for all the work i've done. i want to feel like i accomplished things that my children would be proud of. i have grown so much in college--i can't imagine where i would be or what i would be doing if i hadn't gone to school. mostly, i just don't understand why these girls only desires are just to "belong" to someone else? it's like once they walk down the aisle, they are saying to the world that they are loved, they are being taken care of and they are finally "worthy." i think my walk to get my college diploma says more about my character and my "worthyness" than my walk down the aisle ever will. so yes, at the end of the day, i guess i did fail. and i'm damn proud of it :)

.....

"you cannot be evaporated, invisible, and still think that you are going to create the marriage of your heart and your dreams. get out of that fantasy. let reality live and breathe..and you will have a chance--a real chance--at having a great, successful and healthy marriage."

"that's why i never got married...i just always wanted to be myself."

"there isn't anything wrong with making sacrifices and working together. but i think that as long as each person can hold onto themselves, and it's a mutual experience of growth--that's the beautiful part. that's the point."

quietly falling

bottom line. i'm exhausted. this has been an interesting journey, and a long one at that. i can tell i'm slowing fading, quietly falling away from this part of my life. i want more, i want different. after five years in this charming little town, i've run out of love for it. i want a change of scenery. i think my move to vegas will be just enough. i can tell kevin is tired. i see it in his eyes. we're both trying to accomplish something that, even now at 6 weeks away, still feels unattainable. where is the desire, the enthusiasm that i used to have for my art? i wanted to be this great artist. i wanted to be known or atleast heard of. i wanted a life that was mine, a life i could say that i built all on my own, a life without children or complications. i wanted to only have to rely on myself. now, i find myself being okay with relying on him. i know that together we'll be better than i ever would have apart. now i don't see myself famous, standing on a stage singing, i don't see my art being hung in the galleries of the world--i see myself with him, caring for his babies and making his breakfast, pressing his shirts. all my BIG dreams have fizzled and i just dream of the real world. i want to learn how to make his favorite omelet and how to teach his children to be respectful and obey. i want to make him feel like he is the most important man in my life--or atleast a close second to my father. is it so weird that my dreams have taken such a turn? should i want to be a more independent woman? or is it okay to rely on that one man that still takes my breath away? i don't think it's that i don't dream anymore--i think it's that he became my dream.

where he leads, i will go

I don’t like not knowing what I am going to do for a job or where I am going to be living or even how I am going to be paying my bills. I don’t like the uncertainty that is paired up with everything going on in my life right now. One of my downfalls is that I need to know everything that is going on and I need to know it NOW. I know that I am supposed to have faith enough to trust that god will provide but it’s so hard. I feel so far away from him right now.

Kevin and I have been arguing a lot. I want this all to be solved so we can just move on. I keep having this visual—he and I are staring down a path that forks into two. We can either choose to go down the path that will bring us closer, the path of supporting each other OR we can go down the path that leads me my way and he his, the path that will help us to support ourselves and not think of the other. But the bottom line is, I just want to be with him. I see him holding my hand, he’s staring down one path and me the other. Which way will we go? Time will only tell.

I know that I have so many dreams of what our life could be like. I want to have nice things like everybody else. I want to own a house, I want to have babies, I want to be able to raise my children at home when they’re young, I want financial security and to not have to live paycheck to paycheck. Most of all, I just want him to be there with me every step of the way. Right now, I feel that I’m at a loss. My gut is telling me to find my own way, to figure out what is right for me. My heart is telling me to stay by his side and that everything will work itself out. I know I can’t see it now, but I suppose my heart is right this time. I have always been one to choose my heart over my head. Let’s hope it works this time, too. Wherever he leads, I will go.

i'm trying

i'm trying to be supportive
i'm trying to not care
i'm trying to push myself
i'm trying to be happy about this
i'm trying to look past the mistakes
i'm trying to not be disappointed
i'm trying to not ring his neck
i'm trying to not cry on my keyboard
i'm trying to put on a happy face
i'm trying to not be bummed for him
i'm trying to still be excited for myself
i'm trying to find my boundaries
i'm trying to not cross his
i'm trying to understand that everyone has a purpose
i'm trying to understand that everything happens for a reason
i'm trying to accept that my life is on hold
i'm trying to not resent him for holding me back
i'm trying to not switch my ring from one finger to another
i'm trying to understand where he is coming from
i'm trying to sort out my true feelings
i'm trying understand that life goes on
i'm trying to breathe
i'm trying to forgive
i'm trying to forget
i'm trying...

a life without regrets

everybody says they are so ready to jump out of college and into the real world right when it happens. i would say that is not true. all of you who told me that, you lie! unless, by jump you mean hold on as tightly as you can to your youth until someone strong enough to pry your fingers away from the edge comes along and watches you fall. okay, so i'm being a little dramatic but that's how it feels. for the past 23 years i've been so content to know what i'm doing each day and what's expected of me. i knew just how to skim past those expectations and still be the person i want to be. ahead of me, i'm looking at seven weeks until i'm pushed into the real world. everyday it's what are you doing after school? do you have a job lined up? where are you going live? are you scared? nervous? of course i am. that is the dumbest question. i am treading out into uncharted territory and i'm supposed to act like it's no big deal. i'm not worrying about money or a job right now...i'm just hoping that i continue to breathe.

the tentative plan is:

• graduation party on June 14, 2008
  
• graduate on June 15, 2008
• move to southern california with kevin so he can finish up his final summer class at UCI
• find a job in southern california (or if that doesn't work out, find a job in portland after his 6 week classes)
• hopefully get engaged and start planning a wedding not too long after ;)
  
• take life one day at a time
• realize that everything that happens is out of my hands
• have faith