wedding bells

on july 20 i got to come back to attend my good friend meg's wedding. it was so fun! meg and colt are so great together. they both are really happy to finally have married. i'm so happy for them. here are some pictures from the eventful day :) meg was such a beautiful bride!

i am enough.

i feel like i've been fooled. please anyone tell me--at what point in my life am i going to know exactly what road i am supposed to travel? i have been tricked into believing that as one became more educated, it would be easier to make decisions. I was a thorough believer in pro's and con's lists...but it turns out, they don't make any sense. they are filled with your own opinions about the situation--a situation, mind you, that you probably already are leaning more towards one side than the other long before the pen every hits the paper. more so, i've recently learned that i've been tricked into believing that you can count on others. contrary to that notion, i have learned that you cannnot count on anyone else but yourself 100%. even family isn't always that dependable...although i do have alot better luck with my family than some. i feel like i am two people stuck in one body. a jekyll & hyde syndrome of sorts. i supposed i cause myself the most grief because what i want--my "ideal" life--is always changing. what i want today usually contradicts what i though i wanted yesterday--who even knows what tomorrow will bring!?! i want to get married and build a life with someone i love but i don't feel that marriage is needed to have a fulfulling relationship. i want to have my own child(ren) but i do not want anything to do with the literal pregnancy/labor/birth part of starting a family. i want to have a family but do not necessarily think that means having children--why can't two people build a family with just each other? my defintion of family is more love than it is # of coats in the closet. if i am still single by the time i wnat to begin a family, i would not think twice about going about it alone...except, then i remember how judgmental society frowns upon that and i get scared. i want to adopt children that need a good home rather than bring more into such an unforgiving world but i don't want to regret not having experienced having a child of my own. i want to feel loved but don't think i need love from anyone else to validate my existence. i want to hear that the person i love thinks that i am beautiful but i know that the way i feel about myself IS and SHOULD BE ENOUGH. i want to lose weight because, unfortunately, people will take me more seriously but i have this strangely-high self esteem that reminds me everyday that i am beautiful just the way i am. you see, everyday there is a constant struggle for me to take one step in the right direction. i guess i hide it pretty well considering the daily duel is in my head. i supposed i should consider myself lucky. if everyone knew i felt like this each moment of everyday, they'd probably have me committed. ... ... now i've lost my train of thought. that always seems to happen, too. talking in circles is definitely one of my specialties.

considering my brain is tired, i'm signing off.
i'll be sure to bring more angst and poor writing soon enough.

who i am is quite enough

I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

entering a new phase

so, yesterday i found out that i got a job i had applied for at a photography studio in portland. i am really excited. not only am i excited to have gotten the first job i applied for, but i am also excited to just HAVE A JOB. it's been a nice few weeks hanging out in between graduating and getting a job, but now i feel that i need to get my life back into a routine. i'm nothing less than thrilled to get to start out at a photography studio. it seems like a promising position but only time will tell.

i'll be heading back to corvallis/clackamas in about a week. my new job starts somewhere around august first. yay. it should be interesting :)

now i'm gonna go take a dip in the pool. later!

i see skies of blue

red roses too.

i see them bloom

for me and you

...and i think to myself,

what a wonderful world.

top photo: kevin and i in bandon, oregon
2nd from top: kevin and i being goofy in grants pass, oregon
middle photo: kevin and i riding the sacramento "max" train
2nd to bottom: kevin and i in old town sacramento
bottom photo: kevin and i at Blondie's, a cute dive bar in grants pass, oregon

"i want to be a maggie bride"

maggie sottero, that is. if you've never heard of her or seen her wedding dress designs, check it out at maggiesottero.com. here's a few pics of dresses i really really love...

something old, new, borrowed, blue?

talked alot about weddings today. some days i am very "i don't need a wedding to be happy" and other days (like today) weddings/getting married is all i can talk or think about. kevin's mom karen and karen's daughter-in-law Jessica were asking me questions about future plans. it got me thinkin about the whole "something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue" tradition.

my something old:
right now all i can think of is my diamond that was given to me by my mother from her original wedding ring. probably have an old hankie or something, too.

my something new:
obviously, the dress. in addition, i hope it to be a pearl necklace. i know i am going to be a very classic, traditional bride. i feel that a pearl necklace, hopefully from my father, is very fitting for my style and the way i picture myself on my wedding day. (or, if the dress is not fitting for a necklace, perhaps subtle dangling pearl earrings)

my something borrowed:
although i don't have the dress yet, i do plan to borrow my veil. i have one friend and one family member whose veil i could borrow. not because i don't want to buy my own, but because there's a connection there. i think it's special.

my something blue:
probably blue in my lingerie or garter. who knows? that's a tough one. i guess, considering i'm not even engaged yet, i still have time to think about it :)

cute little munchkin

my niece sophia is so cute. i miss her so much. she's the cutest little munchkin. i really can't wait to be home with her.
did you notice her t-shirt? i had it made in sacramento--it says "IF YOU THINK I'M CUTE, YOU SHOULD SEE MY AUNT!" hahaha. clever, huh?

there's sophia with one of her very very very proud grandmas!

some inspiration

"we all die, the goal is NOT to live forever; the goal is to create something that will"

all work and no play?

three hours at the gym
three hours, you say?
there's nothing else to do here
it's too freakin hot
atleast the gym is air conditioned!

jogged for an hour
elliptical for 30 mins
over 500 counted calories burned
(calories measured on machines)
lots of weights
making good lean muscle
good for me
i'm exhausted
but it felt SO GOOD!

my future looks bright

where do i see myself in five years, you ask?
here's my list of TEN GOALS FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS...

goal 1: twenty-three years old, find a good job with benefits
goal 2: twenty-four years old, get my own place
goal 3: twenty-four years old, get engaged to the man of my dreams
goal 4: twenty-five years old, get married
goal 5: twenty-five years old, go on an australian honeymoon
goal 5: twenty-five years old, save up lots of moola
goal 6: twenty-six years old, save up lots of moola
goal 7: twenty-seven years old, buy my own place
goal 8: twenty-seven years old, start a family
goal 9: twenty-eight years old, have baby #1
goal 10: twenty-eight years old, enjoy being a parent with Kevin
then...somewhere around 31 years old, when baby #1 is 3, have baby #2

i think this looks like a great plan...
but we all know, life never goes according to plan.
maybe it will for me? we'll have to wait and see!
that's the most fun part about life--it's unpredictable!!

up in the gym just workin on my fitness

soooo....kevin and i each got a free 7 day pass to 24 hour fitness. yay! we just got back about an hour ago. the guy that showed us around the gym was running late to get home so he said if we come back tomorrow night and meet with him, he'll give us our free passes and make them start tomorrow! so, we get 8 free days. that's pretty cool.

so an hour of cardio and 45 mins of weights later, here i am updating. i feel great. it's just really hot here--hard to get used to. yay for me. i'm glad i got in a good workout on top of the 2 hours spent wrestling kevin during an intense game of pool basketball today. i won. twice. but only because i was given a 5 point start on a game played to ten. and i make up the rules that make it easier for me to win. but i'm a girl, so it's ok...right? ;)

bottom line is i feel good. really good.

goodnight.

bad news...

i knew there was something wrong last night when monster didn't eat her dinner. she's not overweight, but this dog LOVES her food. she never, ever misses a meal. that clued me in that something wasn't right. then, this morning she started vomitting. poor thing. i hate that look after she throws up--that look that she flashes me that asks if she's in trouble. i feel so bad and just try to comfort her.

last night i also noticed a weird green discharge coming from her va-jay-jay. she just got spayed so i figured it may be a result of that. however, after reading about it on the internet i realized there was something wrong there, too.

so i called the vet this morning. she needed some bloodwork done. she has some kind of infection--either UTI or something else. she was given antibiotics and the doctor instructed me to refrain from giving her any of her pain meds from her spay.

so far, although she's hungry because she got a huge shot that requires her to fast until dinner, she seems in good spirits. just tired. poor thing.

and, not to be self-centered, but poor me. this secondary visit cost me an additional $160 bucks on top of the $230 to spay her! good grief. children are expensive ;P

new mommy?

last night was rough. my poor little baby monster was in so much pain. it made me cry because there was nothing i could do for her. she was whimpering and crying, looking at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. it broke my heart. considering i don't have any babies, monster is my baby. she went to sleep around 12.30. then i woke up to her crying at 2am. i tried to comfort her until 3am. it was like getting up to nurse a newborn. i feel like a new mommy. a new mommy that doesn't know what she's doing, at that. so, a little after 3am, i went and woke up kevin. he switched me rooms. he took over caring for monster and i slept until this morning--waking up every 45 minutes because i could hear monster whimpering in the other room. needless to say, it was interesting.

she seems to be doing better today. she's moving around a little bit more. still whimpering and still really uncomfortable. my poor baby. i hope this goes by fast.

always a virgin

yep, that's right. interesting title, huh? well, i'm talking about my little monster dog. she was fixed today. poor little thing is whining because she is so uncomfortable. it breaks my heart. i wish i could help her in some way but, considering puppies can't speak english, i don't know exactly what's wrong with her. it's like having a child that i can't help because i don't know what's wrong. if this is any glimpse into motherhood, it's gonna be a challenge. pray for my little monster. she's in a lot of pain right now. kevin keeps reassuring me it's for the better but right now, i'm not convinced.

p.s. she is up to FOURTEEN POUNDS! geez....she likes her food. :)

an artist in every sense

rearview mirror

do you ever wish you could jump back in time? i do. sometimes i find myself dwelling on the past and all the 'what if's' that could have been. what if i never left that relationship? what if i never made that call? what if i chose to not move away? what if i got to know him better? what if i never knew him at all? what if she needed me and i wasn't there? what if, what if, what if.

if i had left damascus? i would be a different person than i am today guaranteed.
if i never went to OSU? i would have never met Kevin.
if i had left my dorm? i would never have found out what "college" was like.
if i had never left? i would be at home in some dead-end job w/ nothing to show.
if i had followed the crowd? i'd be sitting around waiting to get married.

sometimes in my dreams, i become this other person. the person i was destined to be, i suppose. i did all the right things and said all the right things. i was everything to everyone. i could have chosen that path--why didn't i? oh yeah, because it left no room for me. i chose to take my future into my own hands. i didn't want to be held back anymore, not allowed to accomplish anything for myself. yes, i suppose simply being someone's husband and being a mother is an accomplishment in itself--but anyone can do those things. i wanted to educate myself and see if i could do all the things you believed i couldn't--er, didn't need to do. well it's too late now. if you still think it was a waste of time and money, the jokes on you. i proved you wrong. and one of these days, i will have something to show for it.

i do believe there are 8 million factors that went into me being where i am today. all of which have changed me. some for the good, some for the bad. but in the end, i don't look back very often. i have no regrets. life's too short and i'm too smart for that.

MONSTER

isn't she the cutest darn thing?



i'm totally in love with my little furball...



best investment i have made thus far.

a real update

here's a little bit about what's been going on in my life lately:

i graduated from oregon state university with a bachelors degree in fine arts and a minor in art history. my fine arts degree was broken down into photography and graphic design. no, i don't have a "real" job yet. i'm taking my time and figuring out what i really want to do. after 5 years in school, what's an extra month or two?

i am attempting to start my own invitation design company, specializing in wedding invitations and things of that sort. it has been doing really well thus far. pretty soon my website will be complete and you'll be able to browse my work. if anybody needs any design work done, i'd be glad to work with you. possible jobs in addition to wedding invitations would be baby shower, birthday parties, graduation parties, wedding showers, bachelorette parties, bachelor parties, engagement announcements, anniversary parties, surprise parties, we've moved announcements, we're expecting announcements and much more...contact me for more info. the best way for me to get more work is word of mouth so please keep me in mind :)

as stated in an earlier post, i have moved to las vegas for the summer to be close to my boyfriend and his friends/family for a while. after five years of him being close to me in oregon, i figured it's my turn to get to know his neck of the woods--er, should i say desert? i never knew what HOT was until i came to vegas. here's my pro's and cons:

pro: i am getting tan
con: it's hotter than hell and i'm probably getting cancer
pro: karen and tim let me bring my little monster dog
con: their dog, bear, won't eat because she's terrified of monster
pro: i've been taking monster on lots of walks
con: there are 8 million black widows that i see on our walks--GROSS!
pro: i have been maxin and relaxin...
con: the money only lasts so long ;)
pro: i'm close to kevin
con: i'm far from my family

overall, i'm happy to be here and feel blessed that kevin's parents opened up their home to me. i really do miss my family and my little sophia sunshine.

yesterday i saw a tarantula just chilling on the sidewalk. i know that's a weird update but i had to mention it, as it was probably the sickest thing i've ever seen. much worse than seeing on at petco. it gave me chills. i don't recommend.

kevin and i are planning to get marrried sometime during winter of 2009. we are not engaged yet, but we've already made some plans. that's exciting to think about. first comes love, then comes marriage then comes...both of us trying to find great jobs to save up money to buy a house and then possibly thinking of babies. that's the plan. however, life never goes as planned. we'll just have to wait and see.

for now it's just me and my puppy livin the life.

lovely little lady

look how adorable my niece is...



i jacked this photo from her mommy's myspace ;)

update and a half

it's weird. i haven't written in a long time. the only reason i have this blog is to keep track of my life. i work so much on the computer it just seemed more natural to have it here. plus, everyone else has one so i might as well jump on the bandwagon, too. right? haha.

anyway, now i'm in vegas. looking for a job and baking in the sun. kevin's mom and step-dad were kind enough to let me move into their guest room. i feel blessed that i like this parents so much and vice versa. kevin's mom took me to get pedicures today. it was a lot of fun. i'll update more later...

ps. one thing i noticed going through my blog: i cuss way too much. even just in writing. i got to the point where i didn't even notice it anymore--sad! i need to/am going to work on that. baby steps :)

so much to do, so little time...

So this weekend is mom’s weekend. And I have so much to do I can’t even think about the weekend. However I’ve made some big dents lately that make me happy…

Room clean…check!
Sheets washed…check!
Towels washed…check!
bathroom clean…check!
Kitchen clean…check!
Laundry done…check!
Tulips in vase…check!
Fish tank clean…check!
Monster groomed and beautiful…check!
Keeping Kevin sane…check!
Photos for 343 taken…check!

And then there’s the big list of crap still left to do…

Apartment vacuumed…
Sheets dried/replaced…
Rehang paintings in apartment…
Car cleaned…
Photos for 411 taken…
Photos for 343 developed…
Straigten-up Kevin’s room…
Scan all prints for website…
Get website up and going…
Finish my mounds of homework…
Apply for jobs…
Cure world hunger…
Create world peace…

In spite of all that crap, I think this weekend is going to be really fun! Kevin’s mom, his cousin Stephanie, and my mom are coming. Then lindsi and Sophia are coming down on Saturday for a few hours. That should be fun. She’s so cute! I think we’re going to see that Maid of Honor movie. Kevin has to work for part of the time. It’s no biggie though. His mom understands.

Speaking of Kevin, I’m sill worried about him. I really hope that he pulls through all of this. His eyes just look so empty. He looks so drained. I don’t know how to tell him anymore about how smart he is and how proud I am of all the work he does. If only he could see himself through my eyes. I want him to pull through this in one piece. He has too. I love him.

Aunt lisa and uncle gary said that Kevin and I could live with them while he takes that class at UCI this summer. I feel very blessed to have a family that really supports each other. They are so nice…especially to let me come back two summers in a row. Aren’t they sick of me yet? i just feel bad because 1. i have a dog and 2. we're going to take over their house again. i know they don't mind, they're family, my parents would do it for them, etc. but it still feels like an intrusion. i'll have to call and talk to them. Haha…Now all I have to do is convince Kevin. He really wants to be home. If that’s the case, maybe that’s the best thing for us. I just want to get him to wherever he needs to be in order to be himself again. If it does work out, I need to figure out a job there, figure out how much rent will cost to pay them and stuff. It will all work itself out, right? Somehow, it always does.

i want to start over

I just really can’t seem to catch a break. Just warning you that this is gonna be a whiny, bitchy, poor me, my life couldn’t get any worse, woe is me post. You may want to get out now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

--why the hell can’t I figure out this camera stuff? It shouldn’t be this hard. I should be able to work on my digital camera stuff because that’s what I want to do in the future. Why should I have to learn old techniques that won’t be used in this generation? I want to learn what I want to learn.

--I keep getting sick. It’s not fair. I have so much stuff that I need to do and I can’t because I’m sick. Now I’m stuck here choking down all this water…and for what?

--kevin is really struggling in school. I feel so bad for him. There’s nothing I can do to help him and that’s what hurts the most. It’s not fair that he is having such a hard time and getting so down on himself. He’s so smart and yet, he can’t seem to realize that. I really hope he can pull through this in one piece.

--why is mom’s weekend always at the worst possible weekend? Don’t get me wrong…I have so much fun when my mom comes down. I just have so much going on this weekend and next week, it’d be nice to have it another weekend. Karen, Stephanie, Kevin, Lindsi, Sophia, Amy, and my mom are all coming down. Great…now they all get to see my shitty apartment. Yay.

--I wish I was engaged.

--I want to adopt children but I’m afraid that people will think that I’m not doing my womanly duty of carrying a child. It’s so not fair. What about all the children that aren’t wanted? Why should they have to suffer just because society thinks it’s my duty to carry my own children? What to do, what to do.

--I’m afraid Kevin and I are going to move to Vegas then he’s going to like it and force me to stay there for longer than I want to. There are not opportunities that I desire there. I am just going to be by his side, to make sure he’s okay. I feel like he doesn’t want to grow up, he doesn’t want the responsibilities of an adult and as a result of that, he is running back home to his mommy.

--I hate Verizon. Is it really hard for them to honor their customers? Every phone I’ve gotten from them has broken thus far. I just want to get a phone that works. I feel so out of the loop without one.

--I’m trying to lose weight, right? It’s just so hard. How did I let it get this far? Why can’t I just have some self control? Or god-forbid, make some smart decisions. It’s not fair that I like food so much. And it’s even more not fair that I was given these genes without my permission.

--I want to start over.

stuff to keep in mind...

eringracephotography.com
kruger farm on sauvie island
camp colton in colton, oregon

pro-divorce

yet another "response" post to the one prior.

one thing most people don't know about me is that i am pro-divorce. i have no problem with people that get divorced. there are so many reasons people think divorce is bad...

-God will be mad at you
-you made a commitment to that person
-the bible and/or God is against divorce
-you should try to work it out for your own sake
-you should try to work it out for your children's sake

that's all stupid. you know what, everybody makes mistakes. they make mistakes, they are forgiven, and they move on. what happens if your wedding was a mistake? why can't you get out of it, be forgiven and move on? are you really expected to just live with that person, even if you hate each other, for the rest of your life just because you're afraid of the D-word? or what people will think of you? or because you'll be another statistic? i say GET OVER IT. if kevin and i ever got to a place in our marriage that we were no longer in love with each other, i would not hesitate getting a divorce. life is too short to not be happy. even though you made a commitment to that person, you first and foremost should have a commitment to yourself--that you will do what you need to do to be happy, to be loved, to love someone else, to take care of yourself, to survive. and that other person should be in full support of your happiness, whatever price that may be to them. if you don't agree, i don't care. i'm in full support of everyone living their lives according to their own rules. no strings attached.

why marry?

my last post just got me thinking. why do people get married? apart from any religious affiliations to the constitution of marriage, why do people want to get married? kevin asked me that question once and, to be honest, i couldn't come up with a very good answer. i said the whole spiel about wanting him for the rest of my life, being in love with him and all that jazz. but i couldn't figure out why i really wanted to get married...

of course, every girl wants to wear the white dress. every girl wants to see that man they are walking towards at the altar that only has eyes for you. every girl wants to feel like she is good enough for somebody else, so good that marriage is the only want to bind them together. but that's the problem. why am i not good enough just for myself? why does a man have to be my validation in this world? why does a little piece of paper hanging on the wall make my relationship any more justified or strong than it already is? i don't think i need a piece of paper to continue my relationship. how is that paper supposed to keep kevin and i together? and why would it keep us from getting a divorce? marriage is not a trap to keep someone with you. it's highly unlikely that we would avoid a divorce solely because of the paper on the wall. when it comes down to it, it's not about the paper. it's not about the rings. it's not about the dress. it's about our commitment to each other. it's about a trust in each other and our intentions. he loves me and i love him. no paper is needed to know that. i don't need the world's validation. i don't need to stand in front of a zillion people to be given the "okay" to do all the things i want to do in this life. i belong to me. i don't belong to anybody else. my heart is my possession.

why do people think that just because kevin and i aren't married, our relationship isn't real? i feel more for him than anyone else in the world. it's not like the day of our wedding, we are suddenly really going to be in love...we already are. it's kind of like the idea of sex and virginity. every virgin thinks their life is going to be dramatically different once they have sex, like right after it happens they are just going to become who they really are supposed to be. like they've been waiting forever and then enlightenment is finally going to happen after the sex does. it's not like that. sex doesn't change you. marriage doesn't change you. you change yourself.

i could live with kevin for the rest of my life and never marry him. i could have kids with him. i could build a life with him. i could have a lasting commitment to him. why does a party and a white dress suddenly make all those things change from "unacceptable in society" (ie. having babies out of wedlock, shacking up, etc) to "acceptable"? it's like drinking. when i turned 21, i didn't feel any different than i was when i was 20 but yet, i could finally drink. i remember thinking "i don't feel any different". it wasn't that big of a deal. i just think people feel that marriage is going to change them, that it's going to finally validate their existence in society and they are finally going to BELONG to somebody else. i know that kevin and i don't need a paper signed from the state of Oregon to keep our relationship. the rings are just materialistic symbols. the vows are repeated and not even a original thought. the dress is beautiful but, at the end of the day, it's just a dress. i just want him. the wedding is just the icing on the cake.

did i fail?

my seventeen year old dreams knew that i was going to be married by 21 and have my first child at 22. now here i am at 23, not married (not even engaged), and thankfully without a child. so i'm wondering--did i fail? or did growth and maturity help me to realize that i wanted more out of life? i've been sitting around watching all these girls drop out of college or just decide not to go all together so they can wait around to find a husband. they just desire to find a husband, have his babies, and stay at home forever. i couldn't do that. don't you have dreams of your own? don't you want to feel like you accomplished something in life more than just a high school diploma? what if, god forbid, your husband dies? how are you going to support yourself? and your kids? yes, it's true that i do want to marry kevin and have his babies. and, the lord willing, i would love to be financially stable enough to have nice things and be able to stay at home with my children. but i don't want that forever. i want to feel like i didn't waste my opportunities and my talents. i want to be educated and respected for all the work i've done. i want to feel like i accomplished things that my children would be proud of. i have grown so much in college--i can't imagine where i would be or what i would be doing if i hadn't gone to school. mostly, i just don't understand why these girls only desires are just to "belong" to someone else? it's like once they walk down the aisle, they are saying to the world that they are loved, they are being taken care of and they are finally "worthy." i think my walk to get my college diploma says more about my character and my "worthyness" than my walk down the aisle ever will. so yes, at the end of the day, i guess i did fail. and i'm damn proud of it :)

.....

"you cannot be evaporated, invisible, and still think that you are going to create the marriage of your heart and your dreams. get out of that fantasy. let reality live and breathe..and you will have a chance--a real chance--at having a great, successful and healthy marriage."

"that's why i never got married...i just always wanted to be myself."

"there isn't anything wrong with making sacrifices and working together. but i think that as long as each person can hold onto themselves, and it's a mutual experience of growth--that's the beautiful part. that's the point."

quietly falling

bottom line. i'm exhausted. this has been an interesting journey, and a long one at that. i can tell i'm slowing fading, quietly falling away from this part of my life. i want more, i want different. after five years in this charming little town, i've run out of love for it. i want a change of scenery. i think my move to vegas will be just enough. i can tell kevin is tired. i see it in his eyes. we're both trying to accomplish something that, even now at 6 weeks away, still feels unattainable. where is the desire, the enthusiasm that i used to have for my art? i wanted to be this great artist. i wanted to be known or atleast heard of. i wanted a life that was mine, a life i could say that i built all on my own, a life without children or complications. i wanted to only have to rely on myself. now, i find myself being okay with relying on him. i know that together we'll be better than i ever would have apart. now i don't see myself famous, standing on a stage singing, i don't see my art being hung in the galleries of the world--i see myself with him, caring for his babies and making his breakfast, pressing his shirts. all my BIG dreams have fizzled and i just dream of the real world. i want to learn how to make his favorite omelet and how to teach his children to be respectful and obey. i want to make him feel like he is the most important man in my life--or atleast a close second to my father. is it so weird that my dreams have taken such a turn? should i want to be a more independent woman? or is it okay to rely on that one man that still takes my breath away? i don't think it's that i don't dream anymore--i think it's that he became my dream.

where he leads, i will go

I don’t like not knowing what I am going to do for a job or where I am going to be living or even how I am going to be paying my bills. I don’t like the uncertainty that is paired up with everything going on in my life right now. One of my downfalls is that I need to know everything that is going on and I need to know it NOW. I know that I am supposed to have faith enough to trust that god will provide but it’s so hard. I feel so far away from him right now.

Kevin and I have been arguing a lot. I want this all to be solved so we can just move on. I keep having this visual—he and I are staring down a path that forks into two. We can either choose to go down the path that will bring us closer, the path of supporting each other OR we can go down the path that leads me my way and he his, the path that will help us to support ourselves and not think of the other. But the bottom line is, I just want to be with him. I see him holding my hand, he’s staring down one path and me the other. Which way will we go? Time will only tell.

I know that I have so many dreams of what our life could be like. I want to have nice things like everybody else. I want to own a house, I want to have babies, I want to be able to raise my children at home when they’re young, I want financial security and to not have to live paycheck to paycheck. Most of all, I just want him to be there with me every step of the way. Right now, I feel that I’m at a loss. My gut is telling me to find my own way, to figure out what is right for me. My heart is telling me to stay by his side and that everything will work itself out. I know I can’t see it now, but I suppose my heart is right this time. I have always been one to choose my heart over my head. Let’s hope it works this time, too. Wherever he leads, I will go.

i'm trying

i'm trying to be supportive
i'm trying to not care
i'm trying to push myself
i'm trying to be happy about this
i'm trying to look past the mistakes
i'm trying to not be disappointed
i'm trying to not ring his neck
i'm trying to not cry on my keyboard
i'm trying to put on a happy face
i'm trying to not be bummed for him
i'm trying to still be excited for myself
i'm trying to find my boundaries
i'm trying to not cross his
i'm trying to understand that everyone has a purpose
i'm trying to understand that everything happens for a reason
i'm trying to accept that my life is on hold
i'm trying to not resent him for holding me back
i'm trying to not switch my ring from one finger to another
i'm trying to understand where he is coming from
i'm trying to sort out my true feelings
i'm trying understand that life goes on
i'm trying to breathe
i'm trying to forgive
i'm trying to forget
i'm trying...

a life without regrets

everybody says they are so ready to jump out of college and into the real world right when it happens. i would say that is not true. all of you who told me that, you lie! unless, by jump you mean hold on as tightly as you can to your youth until someone strong enough to pry your fingers away from the edge comes along and watches you fall. okay, so i'm being a little dramatic but that's how it feels. for the past 23 years i've been so content to know what i'm doing each day and what's expected of me. i knew just how to skim past those expectations and still be the person i want to be. ahead of me, i'm looking at seven weeks until i'm pushed into the real world. everyday it's what are you doing after school? do you have a job lined up? where are you going live? are you scared? nervous? of course i am. that is the dumbest question. i am treading out into uncharted territory and i'm supposed to act like it's no big deal. i'm not worrying about money or a job right now...i'm just hoping that i continue to breathe.

the tentative plan is:

• graduation party on June 14, 2008
  
• graduate on June 15, 2008
• move to southern california with kevin so he can finish up his final summer class at UCI
• find a job in southern california (or if that doesn't work out, find a job in portland after his 6 week classes)
• hopefully get engaged and start planning a wedding not too long after ;)
  
• take life one day at a time
• realize that everything that happens is out of my hands
• have faith