rearview mirror

do you ever wish you could jump back in time? i do. sometimes i find myself dwelling on the past and all the 'what if's' that could have been. what if i never left that relationship? what if i never made that call? what if i chose to not move away? what if i got to know him better? what if i never knew him at all? what if she needed me and i wasn't there? what if, what if, what if.

if i had left damascus? i would be a different person than i am today guaranteed.
if i never went to OSU? i would have never met Kevin.
if i had left my dorm? i would never have found out what "college" was like.
if i had never left? i would be at home in some dead-end job w/ nothing to show.
if i had followed the crowd? i'd be sitting around waiting to get married.

sometimes in my dreams, i become this other person. the person i was destined to be, i suppose. i did all the right things and said all the right things. i was everything to everyone. i could have chosen that path--why didn't i? oh yeah, because it left no room for me. i chose to take my future into my own hands. i didn't want to be held back anymore, not allowed to accomplish anything for myself. yes, i suppose simply being someone's husband and being a mother is an accomplishment in itself--but anyone can do those things. i wanted to educate myself and see if i could do all the things you believed i couldn't--er, didn't need to do. well it's too late now. if you still think it was a waste of time and money, the jokes on you. i proved you wrong. and one of these days, i will have something to show for it.

i do believe there are 8 million factors that went into me being where i am today. all of which have changed me. some for the good, some for the bad. but in the end, i don't look back very often. i have no regrets. life's too short and i'm too smart for that.