i am enough.

i feel like i've been fooled. please anyone tell me--at what point in my life am i going to know exactly what road i am supposed to travel? i have been tricked into believing that as one became more educated, it would be easier to make decisions. I was a thorough believer in pro's and con's lists...but it turns out, they don't make any sense. they are filled with your own opinions about the situation--a situation, mind you, that you probably already are leaning more towards one side than the other long before the pen every hits the paper. more so, i've recently learned that i've been tricked into believing that you can count on others. contrary to that notion, i have learned that you cannnot count on anyone else but yourself 100%. even family isn't always that dependable...although i do have alot better luck with my family than some. i feel like i am two people stuck in one body. a jekyll & hyde syndrome of sorts. i supposed i cause myself the most grief because what i want--my "ideal" life--is always changing. what i want today usually contradicts what i though i wanted yesterday--who even knows what tomorrow will bring!?! i want to get married and build a life with someone i love but i don't feel that marriage is needed to have a fulfulling relationship. i want to have my own child(ren) but i do not want anything to do with the literal pregnancy/labor/birth part of starting a family. i want to have a family but do not necessarily think that means having children--why can't two people build a family with just each other? my defintion of family is more love than it is # of coats in the closet. if i am still single by the time i wnat to begin a family, i would not think twice about going about it alone...except, then i remember how judgmental society frowns upon that and i get scared. i want to adopt children that need a good home rather than bring more into such an unforgiving world but i don't want to regret not having experienced having a child of my own. i want to feel loved but don't think i need love from anyone else to validate my existence. i want to hear that the person i love thinks that i am beautiful but i know that the way i feel about myself IS and SHOULD BE ENOUGH. i want to lose weight because, unfortunately, people will take me more seriously but i have this strangely-high self esteem that reminds me everyday that i am beautiful just the way i am. you see, everyday there is a constant struggle for me to take one step in the right direction. i guess i hide it pretty well considering the daily duel is in my head. i supposed i should consider myself lucky. if everyone knew i felt like this each moment of everyday, they'd probably have me committed. ... ... now i've lost my train of thought. that always seems to happen, too. talking in circles is definitely one of my specialties.

considering my brain is tired, i'm signing off.
i'll be sure to bring more angst and poor writing soon enough.