wedding bells

on july 20 i got to come back to attend my good friend meg's wedding. it was so fun! meg and colt are so great together. they both are really happy to finally have married. i'm so happy for them. here are some pictures from the eventful day :) meg was such a beautiful bride!

i am enough.

i feel like i've been fooled. please anyone tell me--at what point in my life am i going to know exactly what road i am supposed to travel? i have been tricked into believing that as one became more educated, it would be easier to make decisions. I was a thorough believer in pro's and con's lists...but it turns out, they don't make any sense. they are filled with your own opinions about the situation--a situation, mind you, that you probably already are leaning more towards one side than the other long before the pen every hits the paper. more so, i've recently learned that i've been tricked into believing that you can count on others. contrary to that notion, i have learned that you cannnot count on anyone else but yourself 100%. even family isn't always that dependable...although i do have alot better luck with my family than some. i feel like i am two people stuck in one body. a jekyll & hyde syndrome of sorts. i supposed i cause myself the most grief because what i want--my "ideal" life--is always changing. what i want today usually contradicts what i though i wanted yesterday--who even knows what tomorrow will bring!?! i want to get married and build a life with someone i love but i don't feel that marriage is needed to have a fulfulling relationship. i want to have my own child(ren) but i do not want anything to do with the literal pregnancy/labor/birth part of starting a family. i want to have a family but do not necessarily think that means having children--why can't two people build a family with just each other? my defintion of family is more love than it is # of coats in the closet. if i am still single by the time i wnat to begin a family, i would not think twice about going about it alone...except, then i remember how judgmental society frowns upon that and i get scared. i want to adopt children that need a good home rather than bring more into such an unforgiving world but i don't want to regret not having experienced having a child of my own. i want to feel loved but don't think i need love from anyone else to validate my existence. i want to hear that the person i love thinks that i am beautiful but i know that the way i feel about myself IS and SHOULD BE ENOUGH. i want to lose weight because, unfortunately, people will take me more seriously but i have this strangely-high self esteem that reminds me everyday that i am beautiful just the way i am. you see, everyday there is a constant struggle for me to take one step in the right direction. i guess i hide it pretty well considering the daily duel is in my head. i supposed i should consider myself lucky. if everyone knew i felt like this each moment of everyday, they'd probably have me committed. ... ... now i've lost my train of thought. that always seems to happen, too. talking in circles is definitely one of my specialties.

considering my brain is tired, i'm signing off.
i'll be sure to bring more angst and poor writing soon enough.

who i am is quite enough

I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

entering a new phase

so, yesterday i found out that i got a job i had applied for at a photography studio in portland. i am really excited. not only am i excited to have gotten the first job i applied for, but i am also excited to just HAVE A JOB. it's been a nice few weeks hanging out in between graduating and getting a job, but now i feel that i need to get my life back into a routine. i'm nothing less than thrilled to get to start out at a photography studio. it seems like a promising position but only time will tell.

i'll be heading back to corvallis/clackamas in about a week. my new job starts somewhere around august first. yay. it should be interesting :)

now i'm gonna go take a dip in the pool. later!

i see skies of blue

red roses too.

i see them bloom

for me and you

...and i think to myself,

what a wonderful world.

top photo: kevin and i in bandon, oregon
2nd from top: kevin and i being goofy in grants pass, oregon
middle photo: kevin and i riding the sacramento "max" train
2nd to bottom: kevin and i in old town sacramento
bottom photo: kevin and i at Blondie's, a cute dive bar in grants pass, oregon

"i want to be a maggie bride"

maggie sottero, that is. if you've never heard of her or seen her wedding dress designs, check it out at maggiesottero.com. here's a few pics of dresses i really really love...

something old, new, borrowed, blue?

talked alot about weddings today. some days i am very "i don't need a wedding to be happy" and other days (like today) weddings/getting married is all i can talk or think about. kevin's mom karen and karen's daughter-in-law Jessica were asking me questions about future plans. it got me thinkin about the whole "something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue" tradition.

my something old:
right now all i can think of is my diamond that was given to me by my mother from her original wedding ring. probably have an old hankie or something, too.

my something new:
obviously, the dress. in addition, i hope it to be a pearl necklace. i know i am going to be a very classic, traditional bride. i feel that a pearl necklace, hopefully from my father, is very fitting for my style and the way i picture myself on my wedding day. (or, if the dress is not fitting for a necklace, perhaps subtle dangling pearl earrings)

my something borrowed:
although i don't have the dress yet, i do plan to borrow my veil. i have one friend and one family member whose veil i could borrow. not because i don't want to buy my own, but because there's a connection there. i think it's special.

my something blue:
probably blue in my lingerie or garter. who knows? that's a tough one. i guess, considering i'm not even engaged yet, i still have time to think about it :)

cute little munchkin

my niece sophia is so cute. i miss her so much. she's the cutest little munchkin. i really can't wait to be home with her.
did you notice her t-shirt? i had it made in sacramento--it says "IF YOU THINK I'M CUTE, YOU SHOULD SEE MY AUNT!" hahaha. clever, huh?

there's sophia with one of her very very very proud grandmas!

some inspiration

"we all die, the goal is NOT to live forever; the goal is to create something that will"

all work and no play?

three hours at the gym
three hours, you say?
there's nothing else to do here
it's too freakin hot
atleast the gym is air conditioned!

jogged for an hour
elliptical for 30 mins
over 500 counted calories burned
(calories measured on machines)
lots of weights
making good lean muscle
good for me
i'm exhausted
but it felt SO GOOD!

my future looks bright

where do i see myself in five years, you ask?
here's my list of TEN GOALS FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS...

goal 1: twenty-three years old, find a good job with benefits
goal 2: twenty-four years old, get my own place
goal 3: twenty-four years old, get engaged to the man of my dreams
goal 4: twenty-five years old, get married
goal 5: twenty-five years old, go on an australian honeymoon
goal 5: twenty-five years old, save up lots of moola
goal 6: twenty-six years old, save up lots of moola
goal 7: twenty-seven years old, buy my own place
goal 8: twenty-seven years old, start a family
goal 9: twenty-eight years old, have baby #1
goal 10: twenty-eight years old, enjoy being a parent with Kevin
then...somewhere around 31 years old, when baby #1 is 3, have baby #2

i think this looks like a great plan...
but we all know, life never goes according to plan.
maybe it will for me? we'll have to wait and see!
that's the most fun part about life--it's unpredictable!!

up in the gym just workin on my fitness

soooo....kevin and i each got a free 7 day pass to 24 hour fitness. yay! we just got back about an hour ago. the guy that showed us around the gym was running late to get home so he said if we come back tomorrow night and meet with him, he'll give us our free passes and make them start tomorrow! so, we get 8 free days. that's pretty cool.

so an hour of cardio and 45 mins of weights later, here i am updating. i feel great. it's just really hot here--hard to get used to. yay for me. i'm glad i got in a good workout on top of the 2 hours spent wrestling kevin during an intense game of pool basketball today. i won. twice. but only because i was given a 5 point start on a game played to ten. and i make up the rules that make it easier for me to win. but i'm a girl, so it's ok...right? ;)

bottom line is i feel good. really good.

goodnight.

bad news...

i knew there was something wrong last night when monster didn't eat her dinner. she's not overweight, but this dog LOVES her food. she never, ever misses a meal. that clued me in that something wasn't right. then, this morning she started vomitting. poor thing. i hate that look after she throws up--that look that she flashes me that asks if she's in trouble. i feel so bad and just try to comfort her.

last night i also noticed a weird green discharge coming from her va-jay-jay. she just got spayed so i figured it may be a result of that. however, after reading about it on the internet i realized there was something wrong there, too.

so i called the vet this morning. she needed some bloodwork done. she has some kind of infection--either UTI or something else. she was given antibiotics and the doctor instructed me to refrain from giving her any of her pain meds from her spay.

so far, although she's hungry because she got a huge shot that requires her to fast until dinner, she seems in good spirits. just tired. poor thing.

and, not to be self-centered, but poor me. this secondary visit cost me an additional $160 bucks on top of the $230 to spay her! good grief. children are expensive ;P

new mommy?

last night was rough. my poor little baby monster was in so much pain. it made me cry because there was nothing i could do for her. she was whimpering and crying, looking at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. it broke my heart. considering i don't have any babies, monster is my baby. she went to sleep around 12.30. then i woke up to her crying at 2am. i tried to comfort her until 3am. it was like getting up to nurse a newborn. i feel like a new mommy. a new mommy that doesn't know what she's doing, at that. so, a little after 3am, i went and woke up kevin. he switched me rooms. he took over caring for monster and i slept until this morning--waking up every 45 minutes because i could hear monster whimpering in the other room. needless to say, it was interesting.

she seems to be doing better today. she's moving around a little bit more. still whimpering and still really uncomfortable. my poor baby. i hope this goes by fast.

always a virgin

yep, that's right. interesting title, huh? well, i'm talking about my little monster dog. she was fixed today. poor little thing is whining because she is so uncomfortable. it breaks my heart. i wish i could help her in some way but, considering puppies can't speak english, i don't know exactly what's wrong with her. it's like having a child that i can't help because i don't know what's wrong. if this is any glimpse into motherhood, it's gonna be a challenge. pray for my little monster. she's in a lot of pain right now. kevin keeps reassuring me it's for the better but right now, i'm not convinced.

p.s. she is up to FOURTEEN POUNDS! geez....she likes her food. :)

an artist in every sense

rearview mirror

do you ever wish you could jump back in time? i do. sometimes i find myself dwelling on the past and all the 'what if's' that could have been. what if i never left that relationship? what if i never made that call? what if i chose to not move away? what if i got to know him better? what if i never knew him at all? what if she needed me and i wasn't there? what if, what if, what if.

if i had left damascus? i would be a different person than i am today guaranteed.
if i never went to OSU? i would have never met Kevin.
if i had left my dorm? i would never have found out what "college" was like.
if i had never left? i would be at home in some dead-end job w/ nothing to show.
if i had followed the crowd? i'd be sitting around waiting to get married.

sometimes in my dreams, i become this other person. the person i was destined to be, i suppose. i did all the right things and said all the right things. i was everything to everyone. i could have chosen that path--why didn't i? oh yeah, because it left no room for me. i chose to take my future into my own hands. i didn't want to be held back anymore, not allowed to accomplish anything for myself. yes, i suppose simply being someone's husband and being a mother is an accomplishment in itself--but anyone can do those things. i wanted to educate myself and see if i could do all the things you believed i couldn't--er, didn't need to do. well it's too late now. if you still think it was a waste of time and money, the jokes on you. i proved you wrong. and one of these days, i will have something to show for it.

i do believe there are 8 million factors that went into me being where i am today. all of which have changed me. some for the good, some for the bad. but in the end, i don't look back very often. i have no regrets. life's too short and i'm too smart for that.

MONSTER

isn't she the cutest darn thing?



i'm totally in love with my little furball...



best investment i have made thus far.

a real update

here's a little bit about what's been going on in my life lately:

i graduated from oregon state university with a bachelors degree in fine arts and a minor in art history. my fine arts degree was broken down into photography and graphic design. no, i don't have a "real" job yet. i'm taking my time and figuring out what i really want to do. after 5 years in school, what's an extra month or two?

i am attempting to start my own invitation design company, specializing in wedding invitations and things of that sort. it has been doing really well thus far. pretty soon my website will be complete and you'll be able to browse my work. if anybody needs any design work done, i'd be glad to work with you. possible jobs in addition to wedding invitations would be baby shower, birthday parties, graduation parties, wedding showers, bachelorette parties, bachelor parties, engagement announcements, anniversary parties, surprise parties, we've moved announcements, we're expecting announcements and much more...contact me for more info. the best way for me to get more work is word of mouth so please keep me in mind :)

as stated in an earlier post, i have moved to las vegas for the summer to be close to my boyfriend and his friends/family for a while. after five years of him being close to me in oregon, i figured it's my turn to get to know his neck of the woods--er, should i say desert? i never knew what HOT was until i came to vegas. here's my pro's and cons:

pro: i am getting tan
con: it's hotter than hell and i'm probably getting cancer
pro: karen and tim let me bring my little monster dog
con: their dog, bear, won't eat because she's terrified of monster
pro: i've been taking monster on lots of walks
con: there are 8 million black widows that i see on our walks--GROSS!
pro: i have been maxin and relaxin...
con: the money only lasts so long ;)
pro: i'm close to kevin
con: i'm far from my family

overall, i'm happy to be here and feel blessed that kevin's parents opened up their home to me. i really do miss my family and my little sophia sunshine.

yesterday i saw a tarantula just chilling on the sidewalk. i know that's a weird update but i had to mention it, as it was probably the sickest thing i've ever seen. much worse than seeing on at petco. it gave me chills. i don't recommend.

kevin and i are planning to get marrried sometime during winter of 2009. we are not engaged yet, but we've already made some plans. that's exciting to think about. first comes love, then comes marriage then comes...both of us trying to find great jobs to save up money to buy a house and then possibly thinking of babies. that's the plan. however, life never goes as planned. we'll just have to wait and see.

for now it's just me and my puppy livin the life.

lovely little lady

look how adorable my niece is...



i jacked this photo from her mommy's myspace ;)

update and a half

it's weird. i haven't written in a long time. the only reason i have this blog is to keep track of my life. i work so much on the computer it just seemed more natural to have it here. plus, everyone else has one so i might as well jump on the bandwagon, too. right? haha.

anyway, now i'm in vegas. looking for a job and baking in the sun. kevin's mom and step-dad were kind enough to let me move into their guest room. i feel blessed that i like this parents so much and vice versa. kevin's mom took me to get pedicures today. it was a lot of fun. i'll update more later...

ps. one thing i noticed going through my blog: i cuss way too much. even just in writing. i got to the point where i didn't even notice it anymore--sad! i need to/am going to work on that. baby steps :)