where he leads, i will go

I don’t like not knowing what I am going to do for a job or where I am going to be living or even how I am going to be paying my bills. I don’t like the uncertainty that is paired up with everything going on in my life right now. One of my downfalls is that I need to know everything that is going on and I need to know it NOW. I know that I am supposed to have faith enough to trust that god will provide but it’s so hard. I feel so far away from him right now.

Kevin and I have been arguing a lot. I want this all to be solved so we can just move on. I keep having this visual—he and I are staring down a path that forks into two. We can either choose to go down the path that will bring us closer, the path of supporting each other OR we can go down the path that leads me my way and he his, the path that will help us to support ourselves and not think of the other. But the bottom line is, I just want to be with him. I see him holding my hand, he’s staring down one path and me the other. Which way will we go? Time will only tell.

I know that I have so many dreams of what our life could be like. I want to have nice things like everybody else. I want to own a house, I want to have babies, I want to be able to raise my children at home when they’re young, I want financial security and to not have to live paycheck to paycheck. Most of all, I just want him to be there with me every step of the way. Right now, I feel that I’m at a loss. My gut is telling me to find my own way, to figure out what is right for me. My heart is telling me to stay by his side and that everything will work itself out. I know I can’t see it now, but I suppose my heart is right this time. I have always been one to choose my heart over my head. Let’s hope it works this time, too. Wherever he leads, I will go.